No one noticed?

why do I feel too much? - rant

3:15pm. Saturday

I don’t know exactly why I am writing this and I have exams and I should be studying now, but like a lot of things are happening in my life which I don’t understand and this is something I want to write a very long time but I couldn’t put this in words but now I have that experience so yeah I am gonna write it down. And to calm myself I want to write it down.

People who know about my situation, mind you it’s not only about that. It’s about myself. I cannot understand myself, like I always ask myself, why am I feeling too much? why am I like this? why can’t I just not care about it and move on and god forbid the luck she is given to her—bad luck.

I have exams coming, I am getting stressed and I am not moving on either, I was supposed to move on, but no I cannot, my heart forbids that, my mind forbids that, they feel it too much, why? I just want to move on faster and its my exams and I am like thinking about them and the people who know please don’t comment that “what? because of them? you only got to know them few days” YES. I know that. I should be blaming my stupid sensitive heart. Saying sensitive is something which I don’t like. I don’t feel like myself now, I am so insane.

Now let’s go back to the topic of why I feel too much. To be honest I dont know, I actually don’t know how I feel too much, now I have boards and I cannot even move on and I am trying, I am just so overwhelmed and leaving socials doesnt even change and that too I can’t even say this to my parents or my siblings because I will get lectures which will trigger my headache and I will be so exhausted.

I wish what all happened should have been after my exams like why now? why do you say it to a girl who feels to much and is chronic over thinker?

I just need to calm myself down, heal myself in music but why am I not moving on? I wanna move on, I wanna move on for myself, I just have the bad luck.

Leave them. Leave her or him. Think about me, think about the luck, I have the worst luck ever and I am telling you I don’t even say this to my school friends like I am not even sure if they will take it seriously or get a reaction out of it, I just keep it close and oh dear lord the people who have listened to my insaneness speeches and self hatred. I am telling you I love you so much and I wish I can give you a warm hug to you because you have no idea how much your words mean to me. I am so confused about myself. I stopped trusting people. I always emphasize a fucking text in 100 ways and overthink if they mean it or not. I am such a weird girl.

Now I am young and I need to explore a lot. Yes thats true but I don’t have the willpower to do this, Right now, in the midst of everything what’s happening, I think I am going insane.

I am supposed to be studying, I am supposed to be cramming now, I have six days for my exam and I am going insane, help me help me.

They were so sweet, they were so decent, they were not even dickhead like others, like I thought I will look like one next to them but like always god forbids a girl to explore or have her time.

To the ones who are reading this, yes this is something which I dont write at all, this is more of a vent? Writing and listening to music calms me down.

and not only these situations I have been facing is first time, I have gone through it and I am fed up of it. it just proves my point.

Now to describe this vent in a sentence: Right person. Wrong time.

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thank you for reading my rant!! love you all 🫂